


For Old Times' Sake

by in_deepest_blue



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse), What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, F/F, Femslash, Friends With Benefits, Open Marriage, Open Relationships, Pansexual Vampires, Pillow Talk, Pining, Polyamory, Strength Kink, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:16:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29100891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_deepest_blue/pseuds/in_deepest_blue
Summary: Lady Dimitrescu and Nadja, two old friends catching up after not seeing each other for so long, exchange some pillow talk after a tryst.
Relationships: Lady Dimitrescu (Resident Evil)/Nadja (What We Do in the Shadows TV)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	For Old Times' Sake

**Author's Note:**

> Like most of the internet, I have found myself absolutely enamored with Lady Dimitrescu despite not having played a single Resident Evil game. (I know the basic premise of the franchise, and some characters, but that's it!) I'm absolutely loving all the fan tributes! I don't own a PS5, but at the very least, I'll definitely be watching some Let's Plays once the game is released.
> 
> Anyway, the idea for this fic came to me right when I read a bit about Lady Dimitrescu, and learned that she's Eastern European. Like her, Nadja from the _What We Do in the Shadows_ series is not only a vampire, but also Eastern European, so I thought it was plausible that their paths crossed at some point. Nadja, like most (if not all) of the vampires in WWDitS, is pansexual, as the creators say. 
> 
> And, while Nadja and Laszlo have been shown getting jealous of some of each other's former lovers, Nadja's actress Natasia Demetriou says that the two [have an open marriage](https://www.cbr.com/what-we-do-in-the-shadows-vampire-marriage-sexuality/). I should note that I don't dislike Laszlo; I can see that he and Nadja love and care for each other, but please be warned that in my fic, Lady Dimitrescu doesn't like Laszlo very much; she thinks he's not good enough for Nadja. So if you're a Laszlo fan, I'd suggest that you not read this!
> 
> Lastly, while this isn't mainly a comedic crackfic (it's still crack in the sense that the premise is kinda outlandish), please note that I've still incorporated a bit of WWDitS' humor, which mainly involves vampires dealing with and talking about really mundane things, like learning how to use the internet.

“That was… breathtaking,” Nadja sighs, letting her head sink back into the pillow. 

“Absolutely phenomenal,” Alcina agrees, shifting to face the long-tressed, dark-haired woman lying next to her.  “Been a while since I last slept with a stunner of a woman like you.”

“You and I both. I can’t even recall the last time I did it with a woman. I think it was centuries ago, with my ex-friend Lilith. You?”

“Mmm… some time back with Lady Hasshaku,  in the Japanese countryside. The sex was mind-blowing; can’t really say the same about the place — outdoor sex in the woods is no walk in the park. We might have caused a minor earthquake in the area.”

Nadja purrs. “I do love it when you put your inhuman strength to good use in bed. Laszlo… well, he’s still stronger than your average human — he’s a vampire, after all — but he could never compare to you.”

“I can tell you really enjoy it when I crush you with my thighs, your face between my legs. Almost makes me want to go for another round, right this very moment.”

“Later…” Nadja says, nuzzling her head between Alcina’s breasts. “Don’t want to neglect your lovely, ample bosom. I could spend all day burying my face here.”

“So do it, then,” Alcina says, bringing Nadja closer, squeezing her face right between her chest. Any ordinary human would have been smothered by the action, but thankfully, neither of the two are human. She nuzzles Nadja’s hair. “My sweet, beautiful Nadja… I’m so glad you came to see me. I’ve missed you.”

Nadja makes a muffled sound of contentment.

“And you give the best massages, too…” Alcina goes on. “No one else has ever thought to give my poor, neglected, aching back some relief.”

The shorter vampire frees her face — comfortably nestled in the valley of Alcina’s cleavage — to speak. “I keep telling you, you need to invest in better bras. If you can get clothes for your stature, I’m sure you can get some decent lingerie.”

“So you tell me,” Alcina says with a soft laugh. “Or maybe I just need your touch. I do wish you wouldn’t have to leave.” 

Nadja sits up, giving Alcina a soft look of pity interlaced with compassion. “You are a wonderful friend and passionate lover, Lady Alcina, and I swear I don’t just seek you out for, how do the young ones call it now, booty calls? But even though our marriage is open, you know I’ll still go home to be by Laszlo’s side.”

“I know; you don’t have to remind me,” Alcina sighs, closing her eyes. “No offense, but I still don’t know what you see in that fool. Where is he, anyway?”

“On the run again — apparently he owes a vampire loan shark some money. Not the first time that that’s happened. That’s why I came here; it’s a bit lonely without him.”

“Hah, sounds about right for Laszlo,” Alcina says, her face now dotted with disdain. “Oh, my dear Nadja, you deserve so much better than to be stuck on some American island with useless men for roommates. Just imagine: us running the winery together and co-parenting my daughters. They like and respect you, you know.” With a tug at Nadja’s arm, she drags the long-haired vampire back down to bed.

“Now you’re sounding like my ghost,” Nadja frowns. “She chides me all the time about how I’ve become a layabout and wasted the last few centuries. But I do like my life in Staten Island, even though my roommates, including my own husband, drive me up the wall often. Colin Robinson is… never mind, you’re lucky you’ve never met him. Nandor’s a dumb pig shit who now has some weird thing going on with his familiar, though maybe he might be amenable to meeting you, ‘cause he loves MILFs—”

Alcina rolls her eyes. “Not my type; I hear he’s a shadow of his former warlord self.”

Nadja gives Alcina a sympathetic look, then continues, “...and as for Laszlo, we fight a lot, we threaten each other for sport, and we get jealous of certain lovers — he’s completely fine with you, of course, but… we get each other’s crazy, you know what I mean? 

“And I don’t have to work — we’ve got a new hustle these days. Some humans follow us around for a documentary; we get paid for it. So I’m quite happy living a mundane life on Staten Island, thank you very much. Maybe  _ you  _ should pay us a visit sometime — vampire orgies are a fairly regular thing over there.”

Alcina shrugs. “I still find your husband a rather dull buffoon. Remember our little threesome on my birthday all those centuries ago, before you moved to America? He couldn’t even make me come, though at least you more than made up for it. And the worst part is, he tried to serenade me with an awful song to cheer me up!”

Nadja guffaws. “So sorry to ruin the mood, but yes, I remember all too well! In his defense, I wasn’t his lyricist yet at the time.”

Alcina gives Nadja a skeptical look, but decides not to say anything more about Laszlo’s — and possibly Nadja’s — lack of musical talent.

“Besides,” Nadja deflects, “not-so-great sex with Laszlo aside, didn’t we have fun that night? We got so wasted on your Sanguis Virginis. That was the best wine Laszlo and I ever tasted.”

“Ah, yes,” Alcina fondly reminisces, suddenly grateful for the change in subject. If she can’t change Nadja’s mind, she doesn’t mind just dropping the matter and pretending it never happened. “Which reminds me: I haven’t served you any yet; where are my manners? We can sip some wine out on the courtyard tomorrow night, for old times’ sake. You’ll be pleased to know that our signature recipe remains unchanged.”

“Just like old times,” Nadja says gleefully. “But that can wait. Just because I’m going back to Staten Island after this little vacation, doesn’t mean I can’t give you some raunchy memories to hold on to.“

Nadja pounces on top of the much taller woman, fervently pressing a kiss on her lips. When their lips part, Nadja’s voice is low and sultry. “So why don’t we skip the depressing talk, and make the most of our time railing each other six ways to Sunday, hmm?”

**Author's Note:**

> I know documentary subjects typically don't get paid, because it would be a serious breach of ethics otherwise, but hey, I doubt whoever got the idea of following a bunch of vampires around for an extended period of time for a documentary cares about standard practices and protocols!
> 
> Also, in case anyone's interested, here's a snippet of some dialogue that I came up with for this fic, but ultimately cut out. I wasn't sure where to put it; I felt like the pacing and dialogue flow would've gotten all messed up if I included it. It's the kind of WWDitS-style humor that would've been way too out of place, so just think of it as a fanfic "blooper":
> 
> NADJA: I too have a daughter. Her name is Jenna. My big, sweet, dumb baby, who still says "sorry" before feasting on her meals.
> 
> ALCINA: So take her here, with you. My daughters could always use a sister. Your Jenna would have two mothers.
> 
> NADJA: She wouldn’t like it. She only attacks men, and you just said that the supply here is mostly maidens. Plus, she's addicted to the internet; she'd be bored to death here.
> 
> ALCINA: We do have Wi-Fi here, you know. Do you think my daughters just spend all day hunting prey and making wine? Daniela runs my online shop.
> 
> NADJA: Your… what…?
> 
> ALCINA: What? We vampires have to adjust to the times. How do you think my winery lasted this long?


End file.
